A Fragment

I stare at my face in the bathroom mirror and look into my weary eyes 

What have I become?
I no longer know how to live
I no longer understand what matters
Bereft of meaning, I am adrift in a cold, godless city 
 
Wandering the litter-strewn streets, hurried groups of workers rush past me
Faces buried in smartphones, dim light falling on vacant expressions 
E-scooters swerve by arrogantly in the sleepless, neon night 
Teenagers stand on pavements, pouting and taking pictures of each other "yaaass queen this one's goin’ on insta” 
A drunk man stumbles around, bellowing incoherently 
 
I do not share my feelings, my thoughts
I fasten my heart with silence and isolation
I am suffocated by my obstinacy and independence 
In a city constantly buzzing with noise and people and lights, I have never felt so alone 
Hopeless, desperate, I drink more whisky to assuage the pain 
 
Where are my childhood days, care-free and blissful? 
Where is my mother, who once held me in her arms? 
Where are the times when we reaped the bounties of our own seeds and tilled our own soil? 
Where are the gods and myths of old? 
Where are the moments of bravery, loyalty and self-sacrifice? 
 
I cast my thoughts to the past 
Though we have more convenience nowadays, something vital has been lost 
No longer do I see brave, chivalrous figures 
No longer do I see humbleness, authenticity, respect and connection 
Yet ultimately, I only blame myself for the way I feel 
 
I am the one who is wrong, tainted, depraved 
My existence is a mistake, an aberration 
I cannot be mended, repaired, put back together 
I am Humpty Dumpty 
Loneliness and suffering are my lot 
 
Again, I wandered the grimy streets 
Tripping over a curb, inebriated, I fell upon the unforgiving floor 
Lying on the street, lame and helpless, a soft, warm voice emerged from the night “are you okay, my friend?” 
Her blue eyes smiled at me and she extended her hand to mine 
Looking into my blood-shot eyes, she spoke again “you’re not alone”